For the last several days, we’ve all been asking ourselves, “What is Tim Tebow going to do now?” Many professional athletes struggle to forge a career for themselves after getting KOed from their chosen sport. Timmy is the latest athlete to find himself on the chopping block.
So, the question remains…what is he going to do with his bad self?
Tim, if you are reading this, we have a few suggestions for you.
1. Join the CFL
Let’s be real. The Canucks don’t have much going for them. Sure, Pamela Anderson is a feather in their cap. And Jim Carrey isn’t too shabby. But nationals like Avril Lavigne and Keanu Reeves aren’t enjoyed by many. Tim, just think of what you could do for the country’s moral. They need you, Tim.
2. Get Your Own Show on VH1
VH1 is where celebrities go to die. Or, desperately try to extend their fame for 15 more minutes. Tim, you would do well on a dating show. A handful of women, all fighting for your famed virginity? We think the idea would sell well.
3. Become a Professional Golfer
You could take Skip Balyess along as your caddie. After all, you kind of owe him. If it wasn’t for ESPN, you’d be just another second string quarterback. But no…you are now a household name. Who do you have to thank for that, hmm?
4. Throw the Shot Put in the Next Olympics
We’re second guessing our suggestion to play golf. Seriously. You can’t aim a large pigskin. What made us think you could manage a tiny little golf ball? Now, on the other hand, shot put might be right up your alley. The sport requires very little accuracy. Does heaving an object at a distant target without much thought to the final destination sound familiar?
5. Become a Newspaper Delivery Boy
What? Printed publications are dead?! No way! Oh well. Have no fear. We’re sure that you, Tim Tebow, could revitalize the industry. Take your shirt off, climb on your delivery bike and chuck those newspapers at unsuspecting housewives. We bet subscriptions will double in the first week. And bonus, another career where aim isn’t necessary!
6. Become a Motivational Speaker
If you managed to convince professional football executives that you were capable of bringing value to their team, you are skilled enough to talk just about anyone into anything. Put those persuasive talents to good use.
7. Launch Your Own Line of Tailgating Supplies
Did you know there are people who pay ridiculous sums of money just to see your pitiful performance on the football field? They even spend hours and hours amping themselves up beforehand at a pre-game tradition called tailgating. Perhaps you are familiar with the concept – grills, beers, cornhole. After all, that is basically how you spent the football season, right? Sitting on the sidelines with a beverage in hand, watching the action. You could start a tailgating supply company. Slap your face on a cornhole board. Then, you wouldn’t be the one making the bad throws anymore. You’d just get a face-full of cornhole bags from other people who might actually be better at throwing things than you are.
8. Become a Televangelist
This might be hard to hear Tim, but you aren’t a televangelist – yet. You did spend the great majority of your NFL career sharing your religious beliefs with everyone who would listen. But back then, you were technically a football player. Now, you could make it official.
Tim, we hope these suggestions help. We’re really worried about your future. Can’t you tell?
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Ron Barraza is a freelance writer, sports junkie, tailgating pro and ex-Tebow fan. He’s been working with a company that sells cornhole decals for the last few years. After some of Tim’s most pitiful performances, he seriously thought a cornhole board with Tim’s face would sell well – almost as profitable as a dartboard. Unfortunately, his bosses at Custom Corntoss didn’t think cornhole decals of Tim’s face would go over too well. Unless Ron tried to sell them to the female fans…